Satire

Californians Asked If They Saw Martin Luther King’s Speech Yesterday, Half Answer Yes

Jimmy Kimmel sent out a crew to film their weekly segment, “Lie Witness News,” yesterday, asking LA residents if they had watched Dr. Martin Luther King Junior’s Speech that morning, and how it stacked up to stacked up to speeches he had given in the past.

Jimmy Kimmel, who routinely does segments mocking the average American's willingness to pretend they know something that they don't.

Jimmy Kimmel, who routinely does segments mocking the average American’s willingness to pretend they know something that they don’t.

It’s absolutely amazing how little people really know… Take a look for yourself:

*Facepalm*

The real question is, did YOU see Dr. King’s Speech yesterday, and how do you think it compares to the one he gave in 1963?

-By Cole Ellenbogen

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New Korean Celebrity on the Rise

While many people believe that the actions of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un are his way of showing that he is not to be trifled with, the recent controversy pertaining to the movie The Interview has lead to a very different theory.

If you are out of the loop because of the holidays here are a few things you should know:

  • North Korea threatened all out nuclear war if the movie the interview was shown in theaters
  • On Monday, November 24th Sony Pictures Entertainment’s headquarters in Culver City is hacked.

    Sony Guardians of Peace

    The image displayed on the Sony employee computers after the hack. Photo Creds Sony Entertainment LLC

  • 3 days after the attack 5 Sony films (Fury, Annie, Mr. Turner, and To Write Love on her Arms) were leaked onto the internet, and downloaded millions of times- effectively beginning to cripple the entertainment business.
  • November 28th the first speculation of North Korean hackers emerges.
  • December 1st  pre-bonus salaries of the top 17 Sony executives are leaked to the press, the files also contained the salaries of more than 6,000 current and former Sony employees. Following the leaks Sony hires FBI SealMandiant, a cyber-security firm.
  • December 2nd- 4th more and more of Sony’s secret information is leaked and hacked
  • December 5th information pointing to North Korean Hackers and more threats on the company and its employees emerge.
  • James Franko jokes about the hacks, and North Korea while at the same time promoting his new film The Interview on Saturday Night Live.
  • December 7th-10th North Korea denies any connection to the hacks, the hackers demand that Sony not show their film The Interview, and continual leaks of the President Obama, and several celebrities personal lives.
  • December 11th The Interview premiers regardless of the hackers threats
  •  December 13th the hackers give Americans an “early Christmas present” by once again releasing several new Sony made films
  • December 17th Sony decides to stop the planned Christmas day release of The Interview after bomb threats to theaters that show the film emerged
  • December 19th The hackers send their approval to Sony for pulling the film
  • December 23rd Sony recants previous statements regarding pulling the film and decides to once again release it Christmas day
  • December 24th The Interview is made available for rent via YouTube Movies for $5.99

If you got bored reading the time line half way through here is the short end of it…

Hackers (probably North Korean) infiltrated Sony and released a ton of movies, got really angry about The Interview and made lots of threats to the theaters that would potentially show it, causing Sony to provide the movie much cheaper that usual via VOD, not to mention the hacks caused wide spread sensation over the movie- aka free advertising .

In other words good ol’ Kim Jong-un made the movie much more accessible to Americans, and sensationalized it- which made even more people want to watch it.

So consider this… maybe Kim Jong-un wanted us to watch it after all. Maybe he is hungry for celebrity and fame. Maybe just maybe his plan was to get us all to watch it.

After all the Arabs never once complied when we made the movie The Dictator. 

 

PhotoCreds: IMDb

PhotoCreds: IMDb

Not to mention North Korea didn’t have any qualms about the 2004 film Team America: World Police that portrayed Kim Jong- il,  Kim Jong-un’s father.

So you decide. Kim Jong-un – celebrity wanna be, or threat to American security.

While you decide please enjoy this fantastic theme song.

WARNING CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE.

By Kyra Azzato

Speak For Yourself: A Petition Against THE General Body and the Consequences Their Actions Have on the University

If you do not agree with the actions of THE General Body sign this petition.

Although THE General body calls for increased diversity, they attack their fellow students because they are “privileged” because they’re white, straight, male, christian, cisgender, able bodied, and class enabled.  All things they did not choose to be.  They purport that they are speaking for those “who can’t” on campus, meanwhile bashing their fellow students for being things they can’t help…

Screen Shot 2014-11-15 at 7.27.47 PM

Syracuse Student Ben Castaneda refutes THE General Body’s idea that only white, straight, male, christian, cisgender, able bodied, and class enabled students can disagree with them.

Screen Shot 2014-11-15 at 7.10.06 PM

Student Conner Renaud explains he is at Syracuse because of his hard work, even though THE General Body says it’s because he is privileged.

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Syracuse Student Keelan Erhard informs a THE General Body supporter about diversity.

THE General Body even admits they do not represent the entire population saying “WE DONT SPEAK FOR YOU” referring to those members of the university that are white, straight, male, christian, cisgender, able bodied, and class enabled.

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Sierra Lee posts admitting THE General Body does not represent ALL the students at Syracuse.

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Student Kevin Spectre notes that THE General Body contradicts itself by demanding diversity, yet condemning the privileged.

THE General Body is making demand as if the university were a democracy, even though it isn’t.  I would like to remind students of THE General Body that they choose to come to school here fully knowing the level of diversity, and accessibility.

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THE General Body supporter Kareese Kirby complains about going to a school she CHOOSE to go to, because it’s “not diverse enough”.

Yet supporters of THE General Body protest as if it is their right to be able to change the school they choose to go for and are paying a service for. Even though it is a private university- AKA a corporation.

Students confused about the meaning of "corporation" take a break from patting themselves on the back to wave a poorly painted banner. Photo Credit: THE General Body

THE General body is clearly confused about the meaning of “corporation” .
Photo Credit: THE General Body

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Student Sarah Mikal understands the meaning of a private university, and explains to THE General Body coming to Syracuse was a choice.

Next thing you know they’ll be camping out in Macy’s and Target saying there is not enough diversity, and demanding that the store force customers to also buy culturally diverse attire. Then they’ll protest and refuse to leave because the store reduced a sale from 30% off everything to only 20% off everything.

Sounds a bit ridiculous doesn’t it?

But this is exactly what THE General Body is fighting so hard for.

They want to force other students customers of the university to pay for services they don’t want diversity classes. They’re mad the university the private corporation cut back one of the many scholarships sales they graciously provided.

Theres nothing wrong with wanting change. But lets put an end to this ridiculous protesting and go through appropriate channels. Join the Syracuse Student Association. Their mission is “to represent and be the defender of the students.”

Screen Shot 2014-11-15 at 8.03.42 PM

Hmm now this might just be me… but doesn’t it seem like a better idea to go through the Student Association instead of camping out in the administrative building with an outrageously long list of demands, protesting that immediate change be made (which is unrealistic), even though as students we really have no say because it is a PRIVATE university. In case you’re unsure, the answer to that question is YES,  it is a better idea to go through the Student Association! 

Please stop this protest so that the productive members of this university, including Chancellor Kent and his administration, can get back to work.

By Kyra Azzato

The Modern-Day Evil Mastermind

Unlike cartoons, and movies it can be a little more difficult to identify an “evil villain” or “bad guy” in real life.  They don’t wear condescending capes, live in creepy castles on hills surrounded by perpetual rain and laugh menacingly as lightning strikes (at least most of them don’t.)

So if you have suspicions someone might actually be evil, follow these easy steps to put your uncertainty to rest!

As an example I will apply the steps to Jonathan Gruber– an economist highly invested in the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, better known as “Obamacare.”

Step One- Power

We all know villains are power hungry.  In most cases the villain’s power lies in his resources; he may have a highly trained army at his command, or magical power. But in the real world you should look for one key thing: influence.

Influence is central to being a villain. PhotoCreds: Disney

Influence is central to being a villain. PhotoCreds: Disney

For example Jonathan Gruber is a professor of economics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) and the the director of the Health Care Program at the National Bureau of Economic Research. He is an associate editor of both the Journal of Public Economics and the Journal of Health Economics.  

Sounds like he has a pretty decent amount of influence to me.

Step Two- Money

Whether they’re trying to get it, or already seem to have boatloads of it, villains are almost always connected to money in some way.

Gruber created a model, that was designed to statistically verify the changes in health care spending in relation to public and private health care costs, based on changes in heath insurance benefit design, public program eligibility criteria, and tax policy.

He called the model the Gruber Microsimulation Model, and in 2009 earned nearly $95,000 in the first 4 months after contracting with the Department of Health and Human Services, and another $297,600 when he renewed his contract for another 8 months.

In 1 year Gruber made nearly $400,000 dollars off the Model.

Which seems to be the running price for his model. This is just a small sample of his what he has been paid:

Wisconsin$400,000

Michigan: $481,050

Vermont: $400,000

Minnesota: $329,000

OH YEAH! Not to mention in the last 7 years Gruber has made over $ 2 million assessing the choices made by the elderly in Medicare’s prescription-drug plan.

I think its fair to say Gruber definitely has money!

Steps 1 and 2 are not enough to determine if someone is evil, though: these steps simply help you see if they have the means and resources.

Step Three- Exploitation

Villains are often egotistical (which is often their downfall). They consider themselves better in almost every way and try to use this to take advantage of the common person so they are able to carry out their ultimate plan.

In this video Gruber suggests that the “stupidity of the American voter” helped Obamacare pass:

…And here he details the exploitation of the American voter:

“It’s a very clever, you know, basic exploitation of the lack of economic understanding of the American voter.” – Jonathan Gruber, at the Honors Colloquium 2012 at the University of Rhode Island.

Once you’ve established a that a persons is influential, and has a great deal of money, the next step is to determine whether or not they are using their power and money to exploit a group of people.

And if the shoe fits…

Americans should be outraged by Gruber’s blatant disregard for the voter. They should be furious he feels that he has the right and ability to take advantage of the very people he is pretending to be helping… and getting paid to do so.

By Kyra Azzato

An Open Letter To Chancellor Kent Syverud

Chancellor,

Enough is enough.

I support you. I’m not writing to complain about transparency, or scholarships, or divestment. I’m not even writing on behalf of my fellow students – I would never purport to speak for the rest of Syracuse University. I’m writing to tell you that I am tired of this protest dragging on, tired of self-righteous social media slack-tivism, tired of protestors hurling accusations of racism.

But most of all, because I’m worried about what this means for the future of this school. Below I’ve outlined my concerns, along with the simple request that you end this before you set a dangerous precedent of immature obstructionism, trespass, and lack of respect – or worse: listless spending at the whim of student complaints, resulting in soaring tuition prices.

YOU ARE IN CHARGE, NOT THE STUDENTS:

Some students have the misconception that Syracuse is a republic or a democracy. Proof is painted on their protest signs that ask “Is this a school, or a corporation?”

Students confused about the meaning of "corporation" take a break from patting themselves on the back to wave a poorly painted banner. Photo Credit: THE General Body

Students confused about the meaning of “corporation” take a break from patting themselves on the back to protest outside.
Photo Credit: THE General Body

I recommend that you put the topic to bed:

college-sample-bill

Sample bill, by which students (consumers) pay the university (corporation/vendor) for a service

 

Syracuse University is an organization that receives payment in exchange for goods or services. In that right, it is a corporation. The fact that the university extends services such as scholarships, resources and representation, is a nicety; by no means are you obligated to indulge the delusions that this private institution is a democracy, or a charity.

THE UNIVERSITY CANNOT AFFORD THESE DEMANDS WITHOUT RAISING TUITION:

Syracuse University is expensive. Tuition pays for a lot of the services we enjoy on campus,but what happens when a group demands you cut back on university investments because they are indirectly related to fossil fuels (because I’m sure none of the protestors drive cars,) and compel the university to remodel every single building on campus to add more transgender bathrooms? What happens when the group also adds that you cannot make budget cuts to pay for these pricey renovations they demanded?

Issues aside, a sensible person would realize the money isn’t coming from thin air. Changes would a mean tuition increase, far greater than what we’ve already experienced. I cannot, and will not pay higher tuition based on the whim of a few dozen students, nor should my fellow students.

PANDERING TO THE STUDENTS COST YOU AND THE COMMUNITY:

I admire your restraint amid serious allegations from students, parents, and even some faculty that your desire to salvage the university’s reputation are somehow racially motivated attempts to stamp out ethnic diversity at Syracuse.

However, this protest has escalated to where it is now because you have not laid down boundaries. I understand your desire to be seen as friendly and fair by your students, but this has come at the expense of respect.

Yay, happy people at Syracuse University. Photo Credit: ESPN

Yay, happy people at Syracuse University.
Photo Credit: ESPN

You have tried to make the students feel like you are one of them, while simultaneously attempting to wield authorityBy striving to be loved and respected you lost the favor and the cooperation of the student body, and wound up with this:

Protestors enter Crouse Hinds against the wishes of the building's owners - also known as trespassing or unlawful occupancy - and leave smudges on the windows. Photo Credit: The Post Standard

Protestors enter Crouse Hinds against the wishes of the building’s owners – also known as trespassing or unlawful occupancy – and leave smudges on the windows.
Photo Credit: The Post Standard

And, might I add, protestors trying force the administration to see meet with them, sneaking through a back door, overtaking the building against the wishes of the staff and refusing to leave, is criminal trespass.

THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT RATIONAL – THEY AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU MOVE THEM:

My point, Chancellor, is that you are dealing with people so self-righteous that they compare themselves to Germans living in occupied East Berlin – people who think that the productive solution to a problem is to sit down and get in the way.

These people are walking all over your administration. By not swiftly handling the issue, you are not only bringing yourself long-lasting terrible press, but you are setting a dangerous precedent that will be in place for the rest of your tenure: every decision you make is negotiable.

If you want to be the respected leader of the university, with the support of your students, then earn it. Stop placating, stop entertaining the fantasy that this private organization is some kind of democracy where college freshmen and twenty-somethings tell adults how to do their jobs, and put your foot down.

Only then can meaningful change occur at Syracuse.

Forgive me if I seem blunt: but my friends cannot do their jobs, prospective students are being put off by the chaos, and I fiscally cannot afford to pay the tuition hikes that THE General Body’s proposal would bring. I doubt I’m the only one.

Thank you for your time, Chancellor. Don’t let the stubbornness of a few damage the rest of your students.

Sincerely,

Cole Ellenbogen